Friday 10 February 2017

Don't look so worried

'Don't look so worried' was all I ever heard.  Now, thinking back, did they see something in me that I couldn't?  This comment wasn't just friends or family, it was customers at work, random people I met.  I used to respond with a nervous laugh to shrug it off, or, if I was feeling brave I would make a comment that I couldn't help it!

I would read and watch books and films about people who had mental illness, hear stories from friends, and think it was something I hoped I never had to deal with.  I knew I had my phobia, I just never considered that it might be a mental health issue, yet with that phobia came anxiety, stress and worry which are all part of it.  In particular, emetophobia* can be extremely debhilitating as it is a constant worry.  It is not something that can be avoided.  

 Putting it into words

I have been trying to think of a way to help people to understand how having a mental health problem can make you feel.  Much like physical disability, we are given a 'picture' of what someone will look like.  The illustration on a disabled parking bay is that of a wheelchair, so when someone with a blue badge parks there and doesn't get into a wheelchair (or perhaps a walking aid), some might question whether they are entitled.  In reality, there are many reasons why someone would be granted a blue badge.  
    
In the past, my picture of mental illness or 'depression' was someone sitting rocking in a corner, unable to leave the room or house and possibly being suicidal.  This most definitely wasn't how I was feeling.  To put it into simple terms, the way I felt was like you would if you had a permanent cold.  Not what some might call flu (that leaves you unable to lift your head off the pillow), just a mild cold that wouldn't go away.  Having a cold (for most) doesn't stop you from continuing with everyday life, you simply don't feel 100% well.  You struggle through for the short period of illness, perhaps putting on your brave face at times when you would rather have stayed at home.  Imagine having a permanent cold that lasted so long you forgot what 'well' felt like and this state you were in just became your normal.  This was my normal and I was so used to it being there, I thought there was nothing I could do about it.  

Make your own 'Happy' 

 They say you can't buy happiness and I always doubted this phrase.  I always felt happy when I was able to treat myself to something or pay for a lovely holiday, even buying things for other people made me 'happy'.  When I was working through Thrive, we had a discussion about buying clothes, Paul suggested I did it 'to make me feel better' and that's exactly what it was.  I was trying to buy myself some happiness, but of course, this was short-lived, whether a few minutes of appreciating a new dress or a couple of weeks on a holiday, this feeling never lasted.  Now I don't doubt that money can buy you security but it is up to you to create your own happiness, no one can do it for you and you certainly can't buy it!

Speaking of happy...I have just downloaded Fearne Cotton's new book 'Happy' and read the first couple of chapters.  Fearne describes the feeling as being blue to start with and then black on the darkest days.  Some describe depression as a black dog, others a black hole and some give a personal name to it.  I have decided to give a personal name to my negative thoughts.  I'm not going to say what it is as I don't want to offend anyone but now, on the rare occasion that a negative thought creeps into my head, I send it away by saying 'shut up xxx'.  

*I suffered from emetophobia for most of my adult life and my story can be found in my earlier blog posts.  Since recovering, I have become interested in mental health problems and hope that by writing this blog I am able to help someone else with their issues.