Candy Crush or Crisps!?

A Thrive Update.....

I started writing this blog in March 2017 but managed a paragraph and then have been so busy setting up my new businesses that I haven't had much time to get back to complete it.  I've decided to publish it as it is so have divided it into the months I have written it.

March 2017

In Sunday's YOU magazine on 26th March, Dawn O'Porter wrote an article on depression and mental health problems.  She described her low point as 'sitting on the sofa eating crisps'. I'll be honest, at my lowest point (July 2016) I was sitting on the sofa playing Candy Crush! I'd have had to be close to death to take a day off sick from work, although work was almost all I could manage at that point, I just couldn't see it.  I told myself I deserved the sit-down, I worked full time and I should relax.  Often this was at 3pm in the afternoon.  I don't doubt that relaxation is a good thing but the truth is I wasn't really relaxing, I was worrying and brooding and thinking of all the things I should probably be doing but just couldn't be bothered!

May 2017

It's been nearly eight months now since I completed the Thrive Programme and I write this paragraph sat in a rooftop garden in Bergerac overlooking the Dordogne.  Yesterday I took my first flight since completing Thrive and although it was short (an hour and a half) it proved to me, once again, how far I have come.  My husband reserved seats on the flight, I let him with no desire to take control to make sure I was comfortable with where we sat, or to ensure I was fully prepared in my head for what may come (which I now realise is anticipatory anxiety and not at all useful!). 

I can't believe how much life I was missing out on, I was most definitely surviving and not thriving! I lived and worked for the lovely holidays, telling myself that once I got through the crap I would have something fabulous to look forward to.  In just a short period of time I have a life that I don't feel in need of a holiday from (although I am enjoying the break!).

July 2017

Upon my return from France in May, I found out that my Aunt was in hospital.  Without hesitation, I contacted her and arranged to visit.  This was actually challenging the final 'safety behaviour' that I used to do as an emetophobe although I didn't think about that until afterwards.  On the day of my visit, I was dropped off at the entrance, I had to walk through many corridors of the hospital and use a lift, all of which would have left me terrified, that's if I'd actually managed to step foot inside the hospital in the first place!

23rd July 2017
Today I reflect on the past year and the difference it has made to me and my life.  While most of my family and close friends knew about my fear, none of them realised what I went through every day to try to live a normal life.  Even I never considered that it was anything I would ever be able to change, I thought it was part of who I was and I just had to live with it.

Throughout my blogs, I have briefly mentioned the emetophobic thoughts I had but I have mainly focussed on overcoming the anxiety and how other areas of my life have changed because I just don't think in the same way anymore.  

I now pick up my niece from school once a week and am excited about our time together, rather than worrying that I'm on my own with her.

I went into my niece's classroom for the afternoon to do craft with her and about 30 other five and six-year-old children without worry about germs.

I don't get a stomach tightening or become on edge if someone coughs.

My niece and nephew have stayed overnight and I wasn't worrying about what they were eating before bed, nor hardly sleeping because I thought I could hear them tossing and turning, I enjoyed my time with them before bedtime and I slept solidly.

I jumped at the chance of a day out on the bus and train as it meant both myself and my husband could enjoy the day and have a drink.


I went to a nightclub event at a golf club and while waiting for the toilet, two girls ran past and started throwing up in the shower cubicle, I stayed and waited for the toilet like everyone else.

There are so many other moments I could mention that probably seem so insignificant to anyone who isn't or hasn't been emetophobic but to me, they are huge milestones.  These are just the sickness related things, there are so many other anxiety related 

My final challenge

5 April 2018

As much as I knew how well I was doing, my ultimate fear was myself being sick.  It’s been almost nine years since this happened to me until just over a week ago! Yes, the inevitable happened, I have no idea why and I don’t really care.  What I know is it happened, I didn’t panic, I didn’t stress out, I didn’t think I might die.  I thought ‘I’m going to be sick’ and then I was and I can only say it was quite unpleasant! That’s it, unpleasant, for a few minutes of my life.  So I can once and for all confirm that I’m over it.  I no longer have emetophobia.  Thrive really works.

Thanks for reading my story.

THE END!!!

Living with emetophobia (the past)

My story...

I created this wordle to express how I felt having Emetophobia

For around 20 years (possibly even longer) I suffered from a phobia of vomit (Emetophobia). I thought this was just part of who I was and although it was a problem, I didn't see it as something I would ever be able to change.  After all...who likes being sick?

I'm going to try to give an overview of how I felt without going into too much detail (I don't want to 1. bore you and 2. become a colluder for another sufferer - that's not the aim of my blog)

Over the years, the phobia became worse and I was more and more anxious about situations where sickness might be involved (even if sickness wasn't involved, I imagined it would be, creating anxiety about a situation before it even happened).  I often ended a day thinking phew, I didn't have to deal with anyone/me being sick today!  What a way to live my life!

All day every day I thought about sick…’What if I’m sick’ ‘I feel sick’ ‘Will someone be sick?’ ‘He/She looks like they might be sick’ ‘Will that (food, activity) make me sick?’ ‘There’s a bug around, I can’t cope if I catch it’.   When I felt nauseous I would start to panic and worry 

which made it worse.  The worse I felt, the more panicked I became, often to the point of physically shaking with fear.

I don’t have children (my choice and not based on my fear) but I look after my nephew and niece occasionally, and this in itself caused great stress.  Where possible I made sure I wasn’t alone with them for too long and for the duration of their visit I was on edge.

I can remember every situation I've been in that involved vomit....one particularly bad experience had me standing outside a friend's house aged about 20 when I was at university where another housemate came home at the same time as us (having drunk too much) and started vomiting in the alley that we had to walk through.  He was so ill he fell to the floor and I stood at the end of the alley unable to move and screaming in panic.  My friend managed to move him out of the way while I ran past and into the house.  

I remember feeling relieved when I finally found out that it was a 'real phobia' and there were other people in the same situation as me.  I read forums which I can now see enhanced my fear as these other people were offering ideas of how to cope, although what they achieved was just adding to the foundations of the original fear.

I carried out so many safety behaviours on a daily basis to ‘prevent’ myself from becoming ill.  Just to give you an idea, these included ALWAYS carrying hand gel and anti-nausea tablets in my bag, not using public toilets, not touching handrails or door handles with my bare hands (I used sleeve, knuckles, elbow!!), avoiding public transport as far as possible, becoming concerned about my own health if I even saw the mention of sickness on facebook, hiding my eyes or leaving the room if there was a suggestion of sickness on a film or TV programme.  

I thought I was positive, thought I had my life together, I was forty in the summer of 2016 and I felt I was embracing it but now I can see that really I was putting on a brave front to cover all of the insecurities and fears that went with having Emetophobia.

In the main, I have always been resilient, able to bounce back and not afraid of challenging myself.  I knew that I became worried and nervous in a lot of situations but again, I thought that was just who I was and I could manage my feelings and push through to cope with them.  This summer, however, I dropped briefly into struggling mode, having two panic attacks and feeling so emotional that I cried every day for a week which was totally out of character.

A significant day was a Monday in July and a very traumatic visit to the dentist after a weekend of panic and worry about it.  When I came out I broke down and although my sister had suggested I visit the doctor, I knew that wasn't going to be the best thing to do.  I was certain they would have prescribed anti-depressants which I didn't feel was the right thing for me.

I returned home determined that I was going to do something about it.  That's when I found the Thrive programme by Rob Kelly and I ordered this book from Amazon.

Cure your emetophobia & Thrive

Next time - Starting the Thrive programme